Can you help me with coping with death?

By Father Bob Swift

Coping with death is something everyone must face at some point. Unfortunately, this is not taught in the home or school. Here are some insights which may help...

There are many ways of coping with death, and ultimately we each must find and follow our own way, but there are things we can do, and perspectives we can have that will make it easier when we are faced with a loss. The first step is to begin coping with death now. The healing always starts now.

You may or may not be faced with the loss of a loved one as you are reading this, but do not let this stop you from learning and healing. Death is an ever-present part of life, and so coping with death can be learned anytime. If you think: "I will deal with it when so and so dies in the future. I can't be bothered by it now." You are only partially correct.

You can deal with it now by learning to accept what could be called "temporary deaths" or "temporary losses." They happen all the time: A friend moves to another town, a business colleague you are fond of goes to work elsewhere, a close cousin drifts apart or travels for a year. All of these are small and common losses, but do not make the mistake that they are irrelevant. The trick to coping with death and healing from grief is to learn to accept all the common losses in life.

You accept the common losses by way of holding on to your SELF, not by holding on to another. So, when a person you love, or even just like, goes away, use this experience as an opportunity to access more of your self. Yes, of course you will miss the person. But the more important question is: Are you missing your self?

What does it mean to miss your self? It means that you miss the feelings you had when that other person was around. It means that you were getting certain feelings indirectly from having the other person around. This is normal and natural, but it also leads to deep feelings of loss and grief.

Coping With Death Resources

Border Mountain - A guide for moving through the seven stages of coping with death.

AVMA - Coping with the death of a pet.

You must dig deep, and you must learn to get those feelings from being with yourself. And you practice with the little everyday losses. Let your self learn in trivial or even fun and game-like ways. Coping with death can happen anywhere and anytime.

Suppose you have a nice conversation with a stranger in an elevator, they then go their way, and you go yours. You feel a twinge of loss. Perfect! Make believe they have died, and you just lost them. This may sound silly at first, but it is the small steps in daily life that will teach you the skills you need for coping with death when a so-called "big" loss occurs. Invite the deaths and losses that happen all the time, and you will learn to make peace with the ebb and flow of getting and losing.

Death is a part of life, inevitable as the sunrise, but don't look for peace in the future, seek it now and you will find it.

Father Swift is a retired minister. During his ministry, he worked in a wide variety of ministry and missionary areas. He speaks from experience.

Header graphic courtesy of Digital Westex Gallary

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